Run Lola Run

What a weekend!

This past weekend was a whirlwind. Abe and I had an insane list of things to accomplish on Saturday. I seriously thought we'd be home at like 9pm. Here was our list (just for fun):
Electric Fetus--buy CDs. Abe bought the new Stuart Davis, a Bill Cosby CD, a Heiruspecs CD and a Storyhill CD for me. :)
Aveda--haircuts. Liz Olson did a fantastic job cleaning up my haircut--thank you, Liz! But I totally got taken in at the register for this Pure Points or something rewards program that Aveda is doing. Upshot is that ended up spending about $40 more than I wanted to...grrr. I mentally beat myself up about that for awhile
Kramarczuk's--lunch! Abe and I split a Ukrainian sausage and some varenyky. YUM.
Erik's Bike Shop--must confirm that Abe's cleats are indeed the correct ones for his pedals. Confirmed. And the Erik's guy was super nice, as the Erik's guys usually are.
Shoe place--pick up black shoe polish
Old Navy--returned pants. I think I was optimistic in buying a size 8. The pants fit, but they are tight. Besides, I felt like returning the pants made up for the overspending at Aveda.
Target--last minute addition! Abe bought me new pants, that I love. He bought socks.
Caribou--I got a soy chai, Abe got an Americano. We love our coffee treats.
Valvoline--car needed an oil change. Discovered that a gasket in the oil system was about to go and needs to get fixed STAT. Did not get the oil changed (cuz the Valvoline guys recommended against it; something about the engine blowing up or something). Stressed out about where to get gasket fixed.
Cub--at last! Our usual Saturday grocery shopping. Pretty routine trip, except that I spent about 15 minutes in the tea aisle, stressing over which kind of tea to try. I'm sick of Earl Grey, and I don't want to go back to drinking coffee. So, I want a new tea. With Abe's recommendation, I settled on the Black Pearl Tea from Lipton. It is quite good. A nice subtle flavor, not quite as strong as Awake, but something different from Earl Grey. It's good.
Co-op--final stop of the day. Yay! Also, I ran into Maia, an old friend from my Intro to Chemistry class, way back in fall 2006. She totally recognized me, WTIP stocking cap and all. Crazy!

Yeah, that was our list on Saturday. Guess what time we got home? Like 4:30! Way earlier than I expected. It was a crazy day. But at least Abe and I were together. We have fun.

On a heavier note, running into Maia on Saturday put me into sort of a funk for the rest of the day. It was really good to see her and hear what she's been up to. She is not pursuing the nursing thing anymore. She said she realized that she really enjoys what she does (social work) and is sticking with that. Not that I enjoy what I do, but it really made me wonder. Plus, I found out that I might not be able to take out any more student loans for another undergraduate degree. Do I really want to take out $20,000 in private bank loans, with an interest rate of 11.5%? (Ok, so I'm exaggerating on the interest rate, but still.) I really wondered--is it worth it? What would be wrong with staying at the U, keeping my desk job, maybe working part-time again at the Running Room, coaching clinics...in other words, throwing myself into my true passion of running? What would be wrong with that? (In fact, as I'm typing this, what *would* be wrong with that?) The answer, of course, is nothing.

I've been having a lot of self-doubt lately, about this whole nursing thing. More than usual. And I don't know what's at the root of it. Do I truly not want to do it? Am I scared? Am I worried that I won't be any good? That I won't like it? That I won't like the lifestyle adjustment that it requires (nights, weekends, holidays)? Am I simply frustrated at yet another roadblock (the financial aid thing)?

Part of me is sick of delaying my life for this. Sacrificing things so that I can study, save money, etc. But then again, what am I really sacrificing? Certainly not as much as if I were going to school full-time and living on student loans. I still run. I still see movies. We still go out to eat. We're planning a big vacation to Yellowstone this summer, we're still discussing marriage...not a lot has been put on hold. Not even contributions to my state employee retirement account. Life is still happening, even as I prepare for nursing school. Life is what is happening right now.

I really don't know what's going on in my head--I'm in physiology, not psychology. Abe mentioned that maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself to do this--like, it'll be the END OF THE WORLD if I don't do this. And in a way, he's right. I do feel like our future is riding on me becoming a nurse. Because once I'm a nurse, then he can maybe pursue something other than what he's doing, we can move up north and live on the North Shore, take vacations, buy a house...in other words, be real adults. (Except for having kids--no kids for this couple.) I do feel a lot of pressure to do this--from myself. He said that it wouldn't be the end of the world if I decided not to do this, and he's right. Just knowing that makes it a little easier.

So why all the doubts? I don't know. And the thing is, I truly don't think that I will know until I do it. I have to at least try. I *want* to at least try. It will always be that thing, at the back of my mind...If I decide that it's not for me, at least I'll have the experience of having tried, and my newfound love of science. If I discover that I love it, well, groovy. Way deep down, below all the self-doubt, I can say that I know that I want to try. And maybe that's enough right now.

I'm also probably just burnt out on a school.

On a running note (finally!), I did 10.32 yesterday, with an average run pace of 9:30. Yay! Right on target. The run got a little tough towards the end, though; my legs hurt badly, and I did feel like I was running out of gas. I had about 10 ounces of Gatorade and some Sport Beans--not enough sugar for 10 miles! So, I've got to up the sugar intake for my long runs. I think I'll take 3 flasks of Gatorade and just one flask of water. And try to eat more Sport Beans along the way. Maybe start eating toast before I head out, too. I definitely need to come up with a strategy to get more in my tank for these long runs. I'll be alternating 8 and 10 miles for the next month and a half, and then marathon training starts mid-June. The long runs won't be getting any shorter!

I'm pretty pleased with my running right now. My goal for my upcoming 10 mile race is to average 9:30 overall--so I'll need to run slightly under 9:30 to accommodate the walk breaks. But I think I can do it.

I'm hoping to start bike commuting tomorrow! I checked out my bike locker; looks awesome. Stocked up on baby wipes at my desk...I think I'm set!

For anyone interested--the Women's Olympic Marathon Trials are this Sunday, April 20th. There will be live webcast on nbcolympics.com/marathon starting at 8 am. You'll see two of my heroes, Deena Kastor and Joan Benoit Samuelson. It's a strong field, and should be an incredible race. I'm hoping to do my long run on Saturday morning, so that I can watch it...be sure to check it out!

posted by Lola @ 2:51 PM